Advice for Women in Love with a Priest
Here is my advice to any woman who has a close relationship with a priest who will forever remain theologically bound to the priesthood.
It can be said in as few words as a poem I wrote using a set of word magnets on my refrigerator. It was interesting to write this within the confines of the words that were in the little box. This action is an ironic metaphor for falling in love with a priest--I was very limited in one way, and yet there were words to choose from that I wouldn't have otherwise thought to use. It altered my "advice" or perspective slightly from what it may have been had I had more word choices available.
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Or, the advice can be spelled out completely as I do in this post which is based upon the poem above.
The title simply indicates that loving someone who is married to an ideology will ultimately bring nothing but pain. It is a "death drive" in a literal and personal sense for myself, but universally it means the cycle of euphoria, guilt, chastisement, withdrawal from the situation, addiction to it, and back to euphoria. Each cycle becoming more intense and more destructive.
The woman may hope that the priest is in a discernment period during these cycles—and he may well be. Many priests have left the priesthood to become husbands and (true) fathers, men of faith and family. But, it is typically up to the woman to introduce the subject because the priest has too much to lose if he initiates the conversation and the woman rejects him. He usually will not take that chance.
The title simply indicates that loving someone who is married to an ideology will ultimately bring nothing but pain. It is a "death drive" in a literal and personal sense for myself, but universally it means the cycle of euphoria, guilt, chastisement, withdrawal from the situation, addiction to it, and back to euphoria. Each cycle becoming more intense and more destructive.
The woman may hope that the priest is in a discernment period during these cycles—and he may well be. Many priests have left the priesthood to become husbands and (true) fathers, men of faith and family. But, it is typically up to the woman to introduce the subject because the priest has too much to lose if he initiates the conversation and the woman rejects him. He usually will not take that chance.
Find out for Sure
So, the woman should "ask." Ask what his intentions are. In this day and age, most priests do not have the theology or confidence to leave and will choose the priesthood over marriage. The only healthy thing for both, once it’s clear he’s made his decision, is for the woman to "tell" him goodbye "and go." This of course is hard as hell, and nearly impossible for some. But it's the only choice that can eventually be made, and take it from one who has been there and done that, the woman is better off breaking contact as soon as possible once she has received his unequivocal "no" response.
Due to the extreme difficulty for both to part so suddenly, there is usually some lingering and false hope—for her, that he will see the light and reject celibacy, and for him, that she will continue to be his proxy girlfriend while he remains in his priestly vocation. If a woman feels her vocation is marriage, then this would require him to forsake his vocation so that she can gain hers, or, she would have to give up her vocation for him to keep his. Hence, the added emphasis of "run" and "leave." If you are the woman, I strongly urge you to do just that right away. Otherwise you're in for a world of pain, or rather, additional pain, since you're already emotionally damaged for the short term, and possibly for the long term.
So, the woman should "ask." Ask what his intentions are. In this day and age, most priests do not have the theology or confidence to leave and will choose the priesthood over marriage. The only healthy thing for both, once it’s clear he’s made his decision, is for the woman to "tell" him goodbye "and go." This of course is hard as hell, and nearly impossible for some. But it's the only choice that can eventually be made, and take it from one who has been there and done that, the woman is better off breaking contact as soon as possible once she has received his unequivocal "no" response.
Due to the extreme difficulty for both to part so suddenly, there is usually some lingering and false hope—for her, that he will see the light and reject celibacy, and for him, that she will continue to be his proxy girlfriend while he remains in his priestly vocation. If a woman feels her vocation is marriage, then this would require him to forsake his vocation so that she can gain hers, or, she would have to give up her vocation for him to keep his. Hence, the added emphasis of "run" and "leave." If you are the woman, I strongly urge you to do just that right away. Otherwise you're in for a world of pain, or rather, additional pain, since you're already emotionally damaged for the short term, and possibly for the long term.
Dealing with Rejection
Next, comes acceptance. The woman will want to make excuses for him and will probably always love him. But never forget that "yes he did use you." Emotionally, sexually, to meet his unmet needs—and in doing so, the priest along with his "bride" Catholicism, has also damaged the woman spirituality to some extent.
And, intentionally or not, he did this by manipulating, lying, and robbing a woman of her self-worth, manipulating her into believing there was the possibility of a true relationship, and finally, lying—to her, to himself, and to anyone he talks to—by saying that she never meant a thing to him. In his defense, the priest may not even realize that he is doing this—he is probably living out the fantasy in his mind that the woman he loves is his wife and that he’s making a sacrificial love to her by saving both their souls so they can be together in heaven. Catholicism feeds him this worldview. So he is not only manipulating the woman, lying to her and robbing her of her self worth—he is doing these very same things to himself.
After a woman lays the situation out for what it is, and gives a necessary ultimatum of either growth in the relationship or an end to it, the priest's first reaction is going to be fear. Fear of his reputation, his job, his reliance on the Catholic church for his livelihood. He masks this with anger, lashes out at the woman frantically, proving his weakness under the shadows of celibacy by trying to exert a false power. Again, the woman must accept that this is the case, and go through the grieving process. By “accepting,” I don’t mean “agreeing” with it. I mean, facing the truth, and eventually understanding why this is his initial reaction.
Next, comes acceptance. The woman will want to make excuses for him and will probably always love him. But never forget that "yes he did use you." Emotionally, sexually, to meet his unmet needs—and in doing so, the priest along with his "bride" Catholicism, has also damaged the woman spirituality to some extent.
And, intentionally or not, he did this by manipulating, lying, and robbing a woman of her self-worth, manipulating her into believing there was the possibility of a true relationship, and finally, lying—to her, to himself, and to anyone he talks to—by saying that she never meant a thing to him. In his defense, the priest may not even realize that he is doing this—he is probably living out the fantasy in his mind that the woman he loves is his wife and that he’s making a sacrificial love to her by saving both their souls so they can be together in heaven. Catholicism feeds him this worldview. So he is not only manipulating the woman, lying to her and robbing her of her self worth—he is doing these very same things to himself.
After a woman lays the situation out for what it is, and gives a necessary ultimatum of either growth in the relationship or an end to it, the priest's first reaction is going to be fear. Fear of his reputation, his job, his reliance on the Catholic church for his livelihood. He masks this with anger, lashes out at the woman frantically, proving his weakness under the shadows of celibacy by trying to exert a false power. Again, the woman must accept that this is the case, and go through the grieving process. By “accepting,” I don’t mean “agreeing” with it. I mean, facing the truth, and eventually understanding why this is his initial reaction.
Justification
Later, the priest may apologize, and even believe that he is sorry. But what he is sorry for is his harsh reaction, not any of his other actions. He’s still steeped in the Church’s man-made rule of celibacy and holds himself on the pedestal of Jesus and St. Paul.
Later, the priest may apologize, and even believe that he is sorry. But what he is sorry for is his harsh reaction, not any of his other actions. He’s still steeped in the Church’s man-made rule of celibacy and holds himself on the pedestal of Jesus and St. Paul.
His was a sort of “Bill-Clinton-style” of relationship with you. Mark my words, the priest will justify the relationship in his mind no matter how far it went. He’ll do this regardless of whether the relationship was a full blown sexual affair or an inappropriate closeness (by the rules of the church).
Some examples:
- If the two of you were very close and he consistently broke rules such as spending time alone with you at your house in secrecy, he’ll tell himself that “it was just a close friendship.”
- If he led you on emotionally, he’ll think, “But she KNEW I am a priest—how dare she think I could be a husband?”
- If the two of you were sexual up to Base 3, he’ll say to himself, “Yes, but we didn’t go ‘all the way’ to Base 4.”
- If it was oral sex, he’ll say, “But at least it wasn’t intercourse.”
- If you went to Base 4 and he pulled out early, he’ll still consider himself “celibate.”
- If it was intercourse, he’ll say, “But I went to confession and am absolved, plus she tempted me.”
- If he gets the woman pregnant, he’ll expect her to either have an abortion to protect his reputation or will simply tell her to go on her merry way and he will have nothing more to do with his lover or his own child.
“Don’t blame the Church,” my priest said to me during this aftermath period. “Blame me.”
There’s enough blame in these sick situations to go around. I blamed, in this order: 1) Myself 2) Fr. X, and 3) the Catholic Church. I could only control my own actions, so I blamed myself the most. Next I blamed Fr. X for his schoolboy mentality and the way he handled and justified everything between us. I blamed the church the least, only because the celibacy doctrine has been around for hundreds of years before I was even born—we knew the Church’s rules and broke them anyway, but hypocritically within its confines.
Forgiveness
Damage has occurred that mere words of apology and forgiveness cannot undo.
Although receiving an apology may help the woman move toward forgiveness, it’s somewhat irrelevant in the large scheme of things. Why is this? Because you can forgive a person whether or not he has apologized, and, if he has apologized, it’s questionable whether that was genuine. Since the relationship and aftermath were largely based on inauthenticity, what’s to say that his apology is genuine, and what’s more, that your forgiveness is genuine?
The woman doesn’t need to forgive the priest in order to begin the healing process. We’re always taught by society that we must forgive, we must let go of the grievance, or we can’t begin to heal. In truth, it is the other way around: only by starting the healing process can true forgiveness ever occur.
The woman has just suffered intense emotional and spiritual damage—to add the pressure of forgiveness on top of that might be too much to bear, resulting in even more unnecessary guilt. What’s more, the woman might end up lying to herself if she believes she has completely forgiven the priest or the church or even herself, as I did. If there’s continued contact with the priest after this apology and “forgiveness,” and the relationship continues to spiral completely out of control, then forgiveness becomes ever more elusive.
Do not feel guilty and do not worry about forgiveness. As Eckhart Tolle wisely says in his book, A New Earth, “Don't try to let go of the grievance. Trying to let go, to forgive, does not work. Forgiveness happens naturally when you see that it has no purpose…” But you need to be somewhat removed from the situation before that can happen.
My line of the poem saying that the priest “crushed the petal like a life blow,” has always been an apt metaphor for my grievance against Fr. X. My grievance lies not in the fact that he didn’t or wouldn’t leave the priesthood to be with me. It lies solely with the way he treated me in my most vulnerable hour, when I shared with him my feelings about wanting to either go one way or the other with him and stop living in limbo.
For the priest to believe that an apology afterward will make things right is like taking a delicate flower, squashing it into the ground with his foot, then picking it up later fully expecting that it can be put together again the way it was before. It cannot. Its form and being have changed. All the forgiveness in the world cannot bring it back to its original state.
The next line, “with mean will” is what I mean by this. It may be the church’s fault for having a ridiculous celibacy doctrine, it may be the woman’s fault for getting emotionally involved with a priest, and it may be the priest’s fault for getting emotionally involved with the woman. But the one thing that is hardest to swallow is the nastiness shown—whether it’s based on fear or not—when a woman merely expresses private words with the priest about a subject that has been shoved under the table for a long time, sometimes years.
So when Fr. X said, “Don’t blame the Church. Blame me,” I did indeed! The Church has some arguably rigid and Pharisaical doctrines, but each person is responsible for choosing whether to follow them and in doing so, causing a great deal of pain for another person.
Dealing with the Initial Shock and Grief
There are no words when your world comes crashing down. Just snippets like “how what but no never no.”
The woman is stunned when the person she loved the most, who showed her nothing but kindness, caring and love before, suddenly turns on her when she did nothing wrong or offensive to him. Later, she’ll come to understand why the priest reacted in such a terrible way, but the sting of the cold and superior attitude of the priest who is crushing her like a flower with his foot into the ground, is horrible and surreal. It is shocking and unbelievable.
Grief begins. As I said, the priest may try to get back together once the dust settles. He may blame the woman for “ending” the relationship—yet another reason he was nasty when the woman put the cards on the table. If you’re a woman dealing with this, The longer you allow him into your life once you know that he will remain a priest, the longer and deeper the grieving process will take.
The initial grief is the most intense, typically. In those first few days, I remember pulling off to the side of the road while driving to sob and cry and scream. I cried 3-4 times per day that first week. Then it was once a day for a month or two. Gradually it was once a week, then maybe once a month. Do yourself a favor: don’t repeat that initial grief period over and over by continuing contact with the priest.
But, do grieve: “scream, cry, boil, shake, pound, moan, fall ache.” This is the initial grief stage.
Followed by the woman’s chore to: “trudge through the black storm.” Even the smallest task is difficult in the beginning. Going to work, caring for your child, taking a shower, etc. Putting on a normal face to the world is hard. The “sad mad bitter rain” of crying, sorrow, anger, and hopelessness seems like it will last forever.
Don’t expect to ever “get over it” fully. You may, or you may not. During the time that you have not gotten over it fully (which may well be the rest of your life), you must assimilate it into your life and live with the loss as best you can. You can go on, though it won’t seem like it at first.
Eventually the day will come when you can finally say that Fr. X is not the first thing that came to mind when you awoke that morning. It’s a start.
Healing
It’s been said that it takes seven years to heal from a major hurt. The longest I personally have faced is four years over a separate trauma that occurred when I was a teenager. This was 20 years ago and I can still sit here and cry about it if I want to. But I rarely do anymore. So I know there is hope for women to move on with their lives despite having loved a priest.
There can never be accurate statistics to measure the toll this takes on the lives of women (or priests), because the shame and secrecy of the situation means that most of these relationships will never come to light. But I have known women who were involved with priests and known of them, and most of these women do not end up getting married (or married again if she was divorced). I find this to be unfortunate and sad. Conversely, many priests that I’ve known to be involved with a woman, even if he remains in the priesthood at the time, will later leave the priesthood either to marry someone else or for other reasons.
Sometimes healing has to be forced. The woman has to force herself to become involved in activities that will take her mind off of the situation. I had to give up my precious walks in the country for 6 months so that I would not slip back into the deep grief that too much thinking can allow.
“want true love” means that, whether the woman marries or not, learning from a situation and being able to identify truth is important. What is True Love? It’s many things, but first it means Authenticity. It means sacrificing your own wants for another person sometimes. It means not using another person or allowing yourself to be used. Love yourself first. Your self-esteem will take a hit after a rejection of this magnitude, but it’s not because you are not beautiful, both inside and out. A priest did not marry you and it was not because you were “not good enough;” it was because of fear and insecurities that he has. Know that.
“swim, soar, sing, play, live, dream” Yes, these can happen again. Don’t force it, but don’t deny it either. Allow yourself to be happy, baby step by baby step. The biggest favor you can ever do for yourself is not to allow “lack” to take over your life. I used to pray at night. Now I just thank God for the good things that happened that day, the little things too.
“worship” I inserted this almost as an afterthought to the poem, but actually it is probably the most important part. If the woman leaves Catholicism, it’s hard to separate God from religion. Don’t give up Jesus just because you had to give up the priest or the Catholic Church. For that matter, don’t give up the Catholic Church if that is your true home. It’s all individual, but spirituality and compassion are most easily gained through suffering. Compassion is what Jesus preached over and over in the bible.
“love” There’s a reason I put this after “want true love.” Don’t reject love because you’ve been burned before. Don’t think that your only chance at love passed you by—and even if you never enter a romantic relationship again, there are many many kinds of love, and they should all be embraced. Love your child, your family, your friends, and even strangers—the priest can never take that away from you.
“let the flood of time, light, beauty” Time and distance inevitably heal. Time is your friend, and also your enemy, because with it comes certain death. But it will also give you the greatest gift: relief from intense suffering. However, time without light will not help you. Tolle writes, “If the shutters
are closed, the sunlight cannot come in.” When you let the light in, suddenly you will see beauty in things you never noticed before. Jesus speaks in the bible of the ability to recognize and appreciate beauty in nature and seemingly small things as a path to salvation.
“whisper but shine” It is in the quiet moments that wisdom and perspective shine. Sometimes a life-altering event such as leaving the Catholic Church or a breakup or a death can cause a spiritual awakening. Rather, an individual is most likely to allow a spiritual awakening in themselves at a turning point in their lives. If this happens, it usually only lasts if it is woven into your life in a way that is not ostentatious. It may come immediately or occur over time, but if it is showy or false or a defense mechanism, it will not last—once the suffering has abated, the spiritual awakening and the ability to see the sacred in small things will be lost. There is a bible verse that has always stayed with me, that I read while at mass. 1Kings 19:11-12 says,
11 Then the LORD said [to Elijah], "Go outside and stand on the mountain before the LORD; the LORD will be passing by." A strong and heavy wind was rending the mountains and crushing rocks before the LORD--but the LORD was not in the wind. After the wind there was an earthquake--but the LORD was not in the earthquake.
12 After the earthquake there was fire--but the LORD was not in the fire. After the fire there was a tiny whispering sound.
Compare this passage of divine manifestations to Elijah with those to Moses in Exodus on the same Mount Horeb. In the latter, wind, earthquakes and fire announce divine presence, but they don’t constitute the presence itself which, like the tiny whispering sound, is imperceptible and indicates the spirituality of God.
“for eternity” This has a double meaning. In A New Earth, Tolle says that, “The fire of suffering becomes the light of consciousness. The ego says, ‘I shouldn't have to suffer,’ and that thought makes you suffer so much more. It is a distortion of the truth, which is always paradoxical. The truth is that you need to say yes to suffering before you can transcend it.”
This is what I meant when I referred earlier to the fact that the woman may never “get over it” after she has loved a priest and if that is the case, that suffering must assimilate into her life. This is true of any suffering, actually. Even the expected death of a grandparent in your early adulthood signifies a deep loss and although you will move on from it and think about it less and less, there is a hole there that will be felt at moments—perhaps several years later—and cause both suffering and a spiritual presence.
“Eternity” really has two definitions: the end of this life is “eternity” for those who do not believe in an afterlife, and “eternity” indicates that afterlife for those who believe there is one. It’s also a word that is misused often, especially in judgment of others when a person or group of people believe that their religion is the only true path to heaven. The Catholic Church especially preaches that they are the “one true church” and those who leave it are bound for hell for all eternity.
It is a major reason why many priests do not leave the institution to marry—they feel that they would jeopardize their own soul as well as the soul of their beloved. A priest will often be so convinced of this that he actually believes he is showing far more love for the woman by remaining a priest than he would if he married her. For, sending her to hell would hardly be showing her love. That is what his spiritual director, and most of his peers and superiors will tell him if he attempts to discuss the matter.
If you are a woman who loved a priest, and/or have left Catholicism, and if there is an afterlife, the doors are still very much open to you.
