3/30/11

Advice for Women in Love with a Priest

Advice for Women in Love with a Priest


Here is my advice to any woman who has a close relationship with a priest who will forever remain theologically bound to the priesthood.

It can be said in as few words as a poem I wrote using a set of word magnets on my refrigerator. It was interesting to write this within the confines of the words that were in the little box. This action is an ironic metaphor for falling in love with a priest--I was very limited in one way, and yet there were words to choose from that I wouldn't have otherwise thought to use. It altered my "advice" or perspective slightly from what it may have been had I had more word choices available.
(c) 2011 All Rights Reserved. Marie of formercatholic.com.

Or, the advice can be spelled out completely as I do in this post which is based upon the poem above.

The title simply indicates that loving someone who is married to an ideology will ultimately bring nothing but pain. It is a "death drive" in a literal and personal sense for myself, but universally it means the cycle of euphoria, guilt, chastisement, withdrawal from the situation, addiction to it, and back to euphoria. Each cycle becoming more intense and more destructive.

The woman may hope that the priest is in a discernment period during these cycles—and he may well be. Many priests have left the priesthood to become husbands and (true) fathers, men of faith and family. But, it is typically up to the woman to introduce the subject because the priest has too much to lose if he initiates the conversation and the woman rejects him. He usually will not take that chance.

Find out for Sure

So, the woman should "ask." Ask what his intentions are. In this day and age, most priests do not have the theology or confidence to leave and will choose the priesthood over marriage. The only healthy thing for both, once it’s clear he’s made his decision, is for the woman to "tell" him goodbye "and go." This of course is hard as hell, and nearly impossible for some. But it's the only choice that can eventually be made, and take it from one who has been there and done that, the woman is better off breaking contact as soon as possible once she has received his unequivocal "no" response.

Due to the extreme difficulty for both to part so suddenly, there is usually some lingering and false hope—for her, that he will see the light and reject celibacy, and for him, that she will continue to be his proxy girlfriend while he remains in his priestly vocation. If a woman feels her vocation is marriage, then this would require him to forsake his vocation so that she can gain hers, or, she would have to give up her vocation for him to keep his. Hence, the added emphasis of "run" and "leave." If you are the woman, I strongly urge you to do just that right away. Otherwise you're in for a world of pain, or rather, additional pain, since you're already emotionally damaged for the short term, and possibly for the long term.


Dealing with Rejection

Next, comes acceptance. The woman will want to make excuses for him and will probably always love him. But never forget that "yes he did use you." Emotionally, sexually, to meet his unmet needs—and in doing so, the priest along with his "bride" Catholicism, has also damaged the woman spirituality to some extent.

And, intentionally or not, he did this by manipulating, lying, and robbing a woman of her self-worth, manipulating her into believing there was the possibility of a true relationship, and finally, lying—to her, to himself, and to anyone he talks to—by saying that she never meant a thing to him. In his defense, the priest may not even realize that he is doing this—he is probably living out the fantasy in his mind that the woman he loves is his wife and that he’s making a sacrificial love to her by saving both their souls so they can be together in heaven. Catholicism feeds him this worldview. So he is not only manipulating the woman, lying to her and robbing her of her self worth—he is doing these very same things to himself.

After a woman lays the situation out for what it is, and gives a necessary ultimatum of either growth in the relationship or an end to it, the priest's first reaction is going to be fear. Fear of his reputation, his job, his reliance on the Catholic church for his livelihood. He masks this with anger, lashes out at the woman frantically, proving his weakness under the shadows of celibacy by trying to exert a false power. Again, the woman must accept that this is the case, and go through the grieving process. By “accepting,” I don’t mean “agreeing” with it. I mean, facing the truth, and eventually understanding why this is his initial reaction.

Justification

Later, the priest may apologize, and even believe that he is sorry. But what he is sorry for is his harsh reaction, not any of his other actions. He’s still steeped in the Church’s man-made rule of celibacy and holds himself on the pedestal of Jesus and St. Paul.

His was a sort of “Bill-Clinton-style” of relationship with you. Mark my words, the priest will justify the relationship in his mind no matter how far it went. He’ll do this regardless of whether the relationship was a full blown sexual affair or an inappropriate closeness (by the rules of the church).

Some examples:

  • If the two of you were very close and he consistently broke rules such as spending time alone with you at your house in secrecy, he’ll tell himself that “it was just a close friendship.”
  • If he led you on emotionally, he’ll think, “But she KNEW I am a priest—how dare she think I could be a husband?”
  • If the two of you were sexual up to Base 3, he’ll say to himself, “Yes, but we didn’t go ‘all the way’ to Base 4.”
  • If it was oral sex, he’ll say, “But at least it wasn’t intercourse.”
  • If you went to Base 4 and he pulled out early, he’ll still consider himself “celibate.”
  • If it was intercourse, he’ll say, “But I went to confession and am absolved, plus she tempted me.”
  • If he gets the woman pregnant, he’ll expect her to either have an abortion to protect his reputation or will simply tell her to go on her merry way and he will have nothing more to do with his lover or his own child.

“Don’t blame the Church,” my priest said to me during this aftermath period. “Blame me.”

There’s enough blame in these sick situations to go around. I blamed, in this order: 1) Myself 2) Fr. X, and 3) the Catholic Church. I could only control my own actions, so I blamed myself the most. Next I blamed Fr. X for his schoolboy mentality and the way he handled and justified everything between us. I blamed the church the least, only because the celibacy doctrine has been around for hundreds of years before I was even born—we knew the Church’s rules and broke them anyway, but hypocritically within its confines.


Forgiveness

Damage has occurred that mere words of apology and forgiveness cannot undo.

Although receiving an apology may help the woman move toward forgiveness, it’s somewhat irrelevant in the large scheme of things. Why is this? Because you can forgive a person whether or not he has apologized, and, if he has apologized, it’s questionable whether that was genuine. Since the relationship and aftermath were largely based on inauthenticity, what’s to say that his apology is genuine, and what’s more, that your forgiveness is genuine?

The woman doesn’t need to forgive the priest in order to begin the healing process. We’re always taught by society that we must forgive, we must let go of the grievance, or we can’t begin to heal. In truth, it is the other way around: only by starting the healing process can true forgiveness ever occur.

The woman has just suffered intense emotional and spiritual damage—to add the pressure of forgiveness on top of that might be too much to bear, resulting in even more unnecessary guilt. What’s more, the woman might end up lying to herself if she believes she has completely forgiven the priest or the church or even herself, as I did. If there’s continued contact with the priest after this apology and “forgiveness,” and the relationship continues to spiral completely out of control, then forgiveness becomes ever more elusive.

Do not feel guilty and do not worry about forgiveness. As Eckhart Tolle wisely says in his book, A New Earth, “Don't try to let go of the grievance. Trying to let go, to forgive, does not work. Forgiveness happens naturally when you see that it has no purpose…” But you need to be somewhat removed from the situation before that can happen.

My line of the poem saying that the priest “crushed the petal like a life blow,” has always been an apt  metaphor for my grievance against Fr. X. My grievance lies not in the fact that he didn’t or wouldn’t leave the priesthood to be with me. It lies solely with the way he treated me in my most vulnerable hour, when I shared with him my feelings about wanting to either go one way or the other with him and stop living in limbo.  

For the priest to believe that an apology afterward will make things right is like taking a delicate flower, squashing it into the ground with his foot, then picking it up later fully expecting that it can be put together again the way it was before. It cannot. Its form and being have changed. All the forgiveness in the world cannot bring it back to its original state.

The next line, “with mean will” is what I mean by this. It may be the church’s fault for having a ridiculous celibacy doctrine, it may be the woman’s fault for getting emotionally involved with a priest, and it may be the priest’s fault for getting emotionally involved with the woman. But the one thing that is hardest to swallow is the nastiness shown—whether it’s based on fear or not—when a woman merely expresses private words with the priest about a subject that has been shoved under the table for a long time, sometimes years.

So when Fr. X said, “Don’t blame the Church. Blame me,” I did indeed! The Church has some arguably rigid and Pharisaical doctrines, but each person is responsible for choosing whether to follow them and in doing so, causing a great deal of pain for another person.


Dealing with the Initial Shock and Grief

There are no words when your world comes crashing down. Just snippets like “how what but no never no.

The woman is stunned when the person she loved the most, who showed her nothing but kindness, caring and love before, suddenly turns on her when she did nothing wrong or offensive to him. Later, she’ll come to understand why the priest reacted in such a terrible way, but the sting of the cold and superior attitude of the priest who is crushing her like a flower with his foot into the ground, is horrible and surreal. It is shocking and unbelievable.

Grief begins. As I said, the priest may try to get back together once the dust settles. He may blame the woman for “ending” the relationship—yet another reason he was nasty when the woman put the cards on the table. If you’re a woman dealing with this, The longer you allow him into your life once you know that he will remain a priest, the longer and deeper the grieving process will take.

The initial grief is the most intense, typically. In those first few days, I remember pulling off to the side of the road while driving to sob and cry and scream. I cried 3-4 times per day that first week. Then it was once a day for a month or two. Gradually it was once a week, then maybe once a month. Do yourself a favor: don’t repeat that initial grief period over and over by continuing contact with the priest.

But, do grieve: “scream, cry, boil, shake, pound, moan, fall ache.” This is the initial grief stage.

Followed by the woman’s chore to: “trudge through the black storm.” Even the smallest task is difficult in the beginning. Going to work, caring for your child, taking a shower, etc. Putting on a normal face to the world is hard. The “sad mad bitter rain” of crying, sorrow, anger, and hopelessness seems like it will last forever.

Don’t expect to ever “get over it” fully. You may, or you may not. During the time that you have not gotten over it fully (which may well be the rest of your life), you must assimilate it into your life and live with the loss as best you can. You can go on, though it won’t seem like it at first.

Eventually the day will come when you can finally say that Fr. X is not the first thing that came to mind when you awoke that morning. It’s a start.

Healing

It’s been said that it takes seven years to heal from a major hurt. The longest I personally have faced is four years over a separate trauma that occurred when I was a teenager. This was 20 years ago and I can still sit here and cry about it if I want to. But I rarely do anymore. So I know there is hope for women to move on with their lives despite having loved a priest.

There can never be accurate statistics to measure the toll this takes on the lives of women (or priests), because the shame and secrecy of the situation means that most of these relationships will never come to light. But I have known women who were involved with priests and known of them, and most of these women do not end up getting married (or married again if she was divorced). I find this to be unfortunate and sad. Conversely, many priests that I’ve known to be involved with a woman, even if he remains in the priesthood at the time, will later leave the priesthood either to marry someone else or for other reasons.

Sometimes healing has to be forced. The woman has to force herself to become involved in activities that will take her mind off of the situation. I had to give up my precious walks in the country for 6 months so that I would not slip back into the deep grief that too much thinking can allow.

want true love” means that, whether the woman marries or not, learning from a situation and being able to identify truth is important. What is True Love? It’s many things, but first it means Authenticity. It means sacrificing your own wants for another person sometimes. It means not using another person or allowing yourself to be used. Love yourself first. Your self-esteem will take a hit after a rejection of this magnitude, but it’s not because you are not beautiful, both inside and out. A priest did not marry you and it was not because you were “not good enough;” it was because of fear and insecurities that he has. Know that.

swim, soar, sing, play, live, dream” Yes, these can happen again. Don’t force it, but don’t deny it either. Allow yourself to be happy, baby step by baby step. The biggest favor you can ever do for yourself is not to allow “lack” to take over your life. I used to pray at night. Now I just thank God for the good things that happened that day, the little things too.

worship” I inserted this almost as an afterthought to the poem, but actually it is probably the most important part. If the woman leaves Catholicism, it’s hard to separate God from religion. Don’t give up Jesus just because you had to give up the priest or the Catholic Church. For that matter, don’t give up the Catholic Church if that is your true home. It’s all individual, but spirituality and compassion are most easily gained through suffering. Compassion is what Jesus preached over and over in the bible.

“love” There’s a reason I put this after “want true love.” Don’t reject love because you’ve been burned before. Don’t think that your only chance at love passed you by—and even if you never enter a romantic relationship again, there are many many kinds of love, and they should all be embraced. Love your child, your family, your friends, and even strangers—the priest can never take that away from you.

let the flood of time, light, beauty” Time and distance inevitably heal. Time is your friend, and also your enemy, because with it comes certain death. But it will also give you the greatest gift: relief from intense suffering. However, time without light will not help you. Tolle writes, “If the shutters
are closed, the sunlight cannot come in.” When you let the light in, suddenly you will see beauty in things you never noticed before.  Jesus speaks in the bible of the ability to recognize and appreciate beauty in nature and seemingly small things as a path to salvation.

whisper but shine It is in the quiet moments that wisdom and perspective shine. Sometimes a life-altering event such as leaving the Catholic Church or a breakup or a death can cause a spiritual awakening. Rather, an individual is most likely to allow a spiritual awakening in themselves at a turning point in their lives. If this happens, it usually only lasts if it is woven into your life in a way that is not ostentatious. It may come immediately or occur over time, but if it is showy or false or a defense mechanism, it will not last—once the suffering has abated, the spiritual awakening and the ability to see the sacred in small things will be lost. There is a bible verse that has always stayed with me, that I read while at mass. 1Kings 19:11-12 says,

11       Then the LORD said [to Elijah], "Go outside and stand on the mountain before the LORD; the LORD will be passing by." A strong and heavy wind was rending the mountains and crushing rocks before the LORD--but the LORD was not in the wind. After the wind there was an earthquake--but the LORD was not in the earthquake.
12       After the earthquake there was fire--but the LORD was not in the fire. After the fire there was a tiny whispering sound.

Compare this passage of divine manifestations to Elijah with those to Moses in Exodus on the same  Mount Horeb.  In the latter, wind, earthquakes and fire announce divine presence, but they don’t constitute the presence itself which, like the tiny whispering sound, is imperceptible and indicates the spirituality of God.

for eternity” This has a double meaning. In A New Earth, Tolle says that, “The fire of suffering becomes the light of consciousness. The ego says, ‘I shouldn't have to suffer,’ and that thought makes you suffer so much more. It is a distortion of the truth, which is always paradoxical. The truth is that you need to say yes to suffering before you can transcend it.

This is what I meant when I referred earlier to the fact that the woman may never “get over it” after she has loved a priest and if that is the case, that suffering must assimilate into her life. This is true of any suffering, actually. Even the expected death of a grandparent in your early adulthood signifies a deep loss and although you will move on from it and think about it less and less, there is a hole there that will be felt at moments—perhaps several years later—and cause both suffering and a spiritual presence.

Eternity” really has two definitions: the end of this life is “eternity” for those who do not believe in an afterlife, and “eternity” indicates that afterlife for those who believe there is one. It’s also a word that is misused often, especially in judgment of others when a person or group of people believe that their religion is the only true path to heaven. The Catholic Church especially preaches that they are the “one true church” and those who leave it are bound for hell for all eternity.

It is a major reason why many priests do not leave the institution to marry—they feel that they would jeopardize their own soul as well as the soul of their beloved. A priest will often be so convinced of this that he actually believes he is showing far more love for the woman by remaining a priest than he would if he married her. For, sending her to hell would hardly be showing her love. That is what his spiritual director, and most of his peers and superiors will tell him if he attempts to discuss the matter.

If you are a woman who loved a priest, and/or have left Catholicism, and if there is an afterlife, the doors are still very much open to you.

67 comments:

Anonymous said...

Mary, you offer a tremendous amount of useful information. I hope that those who can benefit from it will find and use your site. You may be saving the sanity of a number of women who think they are alone. When the veil of secrecy is lifted off this subject, women will be as angry as they are entitled to be.
Unlike abused children, women feel compelled to keep this secret by justifying the behavior of their love object and in effect protecting their tormentor.
I do not intend to denigrate the priests who are loved despite having done nothing to create these circumstances, but those who seduce, manipulate and seek the adoration of all who fall under their spell. I think most women know the difference. The difference between children who are used and women is that, quite rightly, children are perceived as victims but women are seen as victimizers themselves. This needs to be addressed by scrutinizing the behavior of the priests who seek to attract the adoration of as many people as possible, regardless of gender, age or level of attractiveness.
I hope that your site will open this dialogue and we can finally place the responsibility where it belongs, namely on both parties at the very least. It is time that everyone knows that we are aware of much more than the priests who engage in such behavior would like us to know.

Lori said...

Thank you so much. I am currently going through this. For four years I was secretly in love, for two years he was my "best friend"... and for the past year I have been struggling so hard to cope with the "break up." It hurts more than anything that has ever happened in my life, even now, over a year later. I'll write more in the future ... Thank you for this website.

Marie said...

Thank you Lori, for sharing your story. Yes, it IS one of the most painful things in my life too and it has been even longer ago for me. I'm sorry you are going through this and feel free to email me anytime. thanks for sharing here

Henry said...

Marie,
I read again your article "Priests and Romantic Love - A Women's Perspective" (http://www.leavingthepriesthood.com/#anchor_187 ) posted on my website. I want to again thank you for your wisdom and insight. I know the article has been helpful to many people as they seek to understand the complex and often painful experience of falling in love with a priest. Blessings to you and your important ministry.

Anonymous said...

I have been in love with a priest for four years. I have been intimate with him for the past three years. I finally asked him if he planned on leaving the priesthood. He said he had no such plans. We are now finished. I am devastated. The hardest thing is to pretend that nothing is wrong. Since it was a secret relationship, the grieving has to be secret too. I feel like if I was a better person, prettier, more successful, smarter, he would want to be with me. I also feel so stupid for thinking he could love me.

I am so grateful to find this website but saddened that others have experienced this pain.

Anonymous said...

most of the stories reminded to me of something...it is called a malignant narcissism - such a behavior of priests. It is a mental disease - called "narcissistic personality disorder" and co-dependent people suffer afterwards forever. Probably CERTAIN people tend to hold priest-like position. It is all about of preparing the world to the coming of Antichrist. Because he will be like a "never touching women" one. plus very malignant : )one. I suffered from those game-players twice. First was not a catholic priest though. The next one was. I was a new catholic and during my first confession I told him what happened to me. And how much I was damaged etc. He looked very happy though. Later that delighted man played with me the same game. It took him 2 years to make me depending from him. I was kind of prevented from "those who seduce, manipulate and seek the adoration" that was why it took him so long. And then he told me that he did it to me because I shared with him during confession that I am a marked one already and it will not a big harm to me... Shame on him! And I am a stupid sheep...

Anonymous said...

I have a question. Why it is assumed that if a priest is in love he should leave his position? Is not a secret marriage optional? If it is a true love they are both adults and have some money, when why not? Wedding can be done between 2 people and God - according to Catholic Church it is a sacrament which is between the two. And if the institution of Catholic Church is mistaken in all that celibacy staff I think it is a mature solution which might show a real quality of their love, more sacrificing than usual. I mean she agrees never be seen etc. Abraham believed to God and it made him righteous...

Anonymous said...

I think the tendancy toward narcissism starts at an earlier stage in life than the adult but, certainly, this tendancy would be reinforced by being in the priesthood. Anyway, it's a personality disorder and not quite the same thing as a young man who becomes a bit full of himself when he notes how people tend to defer to him [when they are not keeping him away from their children--a new twist] when he first becomes a priest. Since they see him as special, he comes to believe it but sooner or later reality sets in. Because, as a parish priest, he faces a lot of loneliness and, as a result, feels increasingly cut off from life around him. Instead of feeling superior, the priest begins to envy the lay people what he sees as their potential to have happier and more fulfilling lives. The hole in his inner core becomes increasingly bigger and he may try to fill it with alcohol or food. Or compulsive masturbation. "Woe to him who is alone" applies in spades. Putting on a happy exterior does not necessarily amount to actually being happy. Far from it.

Anonymous said...

I am another victim of this sort of abuse. My one started off so gradually I didn't even notice he was targeting me, while I was rearing my children single-handedly. I was as green as the grass. He used to call me his SPECIAL FRIEND . I woke up eventually and still go through the pain.They hide behind their collars, shame on them. I felt so stupid it nearly killed me. Anyway another one bites the dust. God help us move on. It was a blessing to happen upon this site.Of course I was searching for relief from the pain.Hugh thank's for the courage to write your story mary. FROM A SAD BROKEN WOMAN........

Susanna said...

Thanks for your Blog. Ok, here's another one. I've been broken up with my priest for over a year. It's gotten easier, but in no way am I over it. It was a 10 year relationship. He turned on me in the end when I called him to get out of his fantasy world.
I am saddened that so many of you have gone through this...

Anonymous said...

I never imagined that I would be one of you ladies. I went through pretty much the same emotions that many of you expressed here. I recently found the strength to end this after he said that he did not have the strength to give up his path. Surprisingly, a part of is relieved that I can go on with my life, but most of me is hurting because I really did love him and believed that we could have a future together. Yeah, what was I thinking. I am so glad for this blog. I hope we can keep each other sane for, as one person mentioned earlier, because this relationship was a secret, we have to grieve in secret. It's bad enough that I lost the love of my life, it's even more painful that I don't really have anyone to talk to about it.

Anonymous said...

I am on the same path too. I'm currently in a relationship with a priest, but the difference with the other stories is that, from the beginning, he told me that he could never marry me in the future. He never gave me false hope but promise that will love me while we are together. Honestly, I don't know what to do? I love him, I know that if he is appointed somewhere else, it could be the end of our secret affair, but for sure the communication is still open, even if there is no more intimate relationship between us. I believe we can always be friends no matter where he is

Anonymous said...

Hi All.
Yes, I am currently in love with a priest who has been my best friend for over 13 years. To make matters worse, I am married and in a very unsatisfying marriage; my husband is sick so I am unable to leave. The priest who I am in love with talks about us being together after my husband passes. He told me he loves me. But if I get too aggressive, he pulls away, so I pull away.
In fact, we have pledged to take care of each other.
After listening to all your stories, I cried my heart out. He is a big part of my life(no there has been nothing sexual, just a few kisses.)
What the hell is the church thinking? We would all be better off if they could be married and not to just the church!

Thanks for listening!

Kas

Anonymous said...

Thank you so much for your thoughts. I had been looking for someone to give me advice. My husband died 3 years ago and I met a man at my swimming club. We started takling and then he asked me out. There was an atraction between the two of us right away. I hadn't been with a man in 6 years and thought it was finally time for me to get back in the dating game. Well we would see eachother about 4 times a week and had nice sex. Yes it was strange that he didn't want to meet my family or friends but on our first date he took me for brunch with some friends of his. We kept on seeing eachother for 7 months and then one day I found out that he was a priest. What a blow that was for me. I had been having sex with a priest for 7 months. I am not catholic but I still thought I was going straight to hell.
I confronted him and he said"yes I am a Priest". When I asked him why he never told me he just said not to worry, that it is ok and we could go on just as we were, no problem. He said that he prayed for me too. I told him that it had to be over but he keeps saying that he loves me and doesn't want it to be over. Now he says that we can be friends, do everything we used to do together and If I have a problem with the sex part that we just won't have sex. That's hard for me cause when I see him I just want to kiss and hold him. So now we shake hands and a kiss on the cheek goodbye. I sure wish I had known he was a priest from the start,he shouldn't have kept that from me. The problem is that I still love him.
So confused.

Anonymous said...

Thank you so much for your thoughts. I had been looking for someone to give me advice. My husband died 3 years ago and I met a man at my swimming club. We started takling and then he asked me out. There was an atraction between the two of us right away. I hadn't been with a man in 6 years and thought it was finally time for me to get back in the dating game. Well we would see eachother about 4 times a week and had nice sex. Yes it was strange that he didn't want to meet my family or friends but on our first date he took me for brunch with some friends of his. We kept on seeing eachother for 7 months and then one day I found out that he was a priest. What a blow that was for me. I had been having sex with a priest for 7 months. I am not catholic but I still thought I was going straight to hell.
I confronted him and he said"yes I am a Priest". When I asked him why he never told me he just said not to worry, that it is ok and we could go on just as we were, no problem. He said that he prayed for me too. I told him that it had to be over but he keeps saying that he loves me and doesn't want it to be over. Now he says that we can be friends, do everything we used to do together and If I have a problem with the sex part that we just won't have sex. That's hard for me cause when I see him I just want to kiss and hold him. So now we shake hands and a kiss on the cheek goodbye. I sure wish I had known he was a priest from the start,he shouldn't have kept that from me. The problem is that I still love him.
So confused.

Anonymous said...

I just initiated the end of my relationship with my priest. We were never intimate; we kept ourselves physically clean from one another. However, there's no denying that our emotional relationship went beyond far... I'm married, yet we texted each other throughout the day, and we would create opportunities to see each other... but we seldom spend time alone together, and even when we did, it was uncomfortable for both of us, because we've never honestly told each other that we loved each other. Our relationship ended today, because I can no longer live with the guilt of loving him, and I'm sure he feels the same way... I will always love him in a special way, and it would be through prayers for him, and well wishes for his happiness.

Katie said...

I have been in a relationship with a priest for 8 months. He nevertold me that he was a priest until one day I googled his name and felt like I had been hit over the head with a bat. It was all there. I confronted him and he said it was true but we could go on being lovers and that he loved me. I have stopped seeing him. When I tried to break thing off he said no. When he calls I invent something I have to do. I don't want to go to Hell.
I am trying to forget him but it is very hard for me. I am so angry because he lied to me from the start. I feel like a fool.

Anonymous said...

My God... I was crying when I read this. I see myself in your story. Recognize everything... the pain, sadness, being lost, hurt, desperate, feeling guilty... I am in my process of grieving wright now. I left the first faze of craying several times a day. But still it hurts like hell. And I know I´ll allways have this pain in my heart. But thank you for your words. They help me to understand some things... And thank you for such a great explanation of woman´s side in this painful story.

Anonymous said...

Thank you so much for this blog Marie, I thought I was all alone. Your advice for women in love with a priest is amazing, just spot on. I have read it over and over again. It all hits home. Thank you and God bless you.
Breeda.

Anonymous said...

i'm i the only 1 who is in love with my priest and no one knows but me, its been 5 years and i am starting to make myself ill with the guilt, he doesnt know and i could never tell him i feel like i need to tell someone its eating away at me, i am so close to him as hes helped me a lot but i no he would never think of me in that way.

Anonymous said...

This is hands down the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with, and most days, I feel like I can't breathe. Some days, I just don't even want to go on. But reading this, and knowing, that on some level I'm not alone, is helpful in a way. I hope to one day find the strength you talk about in making that choice to close the door on him, and move on, because my life is not in limbo, I'm in hell. I can't set foot into the one place in this world where I used to find peace. I can't 'talk' to my God, because I can't figure out how to separate Him from the Church. I can't believe that MY God would prohibit love. I'm angry at God for bringing me this person when I can't have him anyway. I have so much anger inside but most of all, I am completely devastated that this has happened. And I can't stop loving, I can't stop contacting him, and when I do, after a few days of my silence he contacts me anyway. I carry his guilt as my own. I want to scream, I want to cry, I want to punch something...but I can't. I have to pretend with my smile that I'm not dying on the inside. I feel like I've fallen into the deepest of wells and all around me is this smooth, circular, dark wall, with no way of getting back up and out, and it takes all of my strength to keep trying, and not just collapse onto the floor because I know if I do lie down and actually stop, the tears will start and I'm afraid they'll never end. I can't sleep anymore and I feel like someone who is on the verge of collapsing physically and emotionally. And I just wish HE KNEW the torture I am living. Does he feel even HALF of the pain I'm feeling? Even just half?

Anonymous said...

I read your write up and was overwhelmed by mixed feelings: Feeling hurt by, and ashamed of the actions of some of our priests on the one hand, and on the other hand asking myself why the whole blame should be heaped on the priests, as if all the women in relationship with priests were and are angels and saints, free from all possible culpability. Apart from those women who did not know the identity of the priest they went into relationship with, the question that begs for an honest answer is did the women who went into intimate/sexual relationship with catholic priests not know that by the virtue of the ordination to the catholic priesthood of the latin rite, priests are not to marry? So if you know that a priest is bound not to marry, why go into a relationship with him only to come out later crying that you have been used? This is by no means a justification of the scandalous lifestyle of any priest that enters into an intimate/sexual relationship with a lady whether or not he discloses his identity as a priest. To you the author of this poetic article: "Advice for Women in Love with a Priest", I encourage you to come up with an article on a topic such as "Advice for Priests in Love with a Woman". I can tell you that so many priests have been battling with series of sexual advances from some women. So many of them have also been struggling to maturely handle the issue of women who want to turn a relationship that initially started as purely platonic to amorous relationship. Some of them have succeeded in handling these issues while others have woefully failed to keep these relationships as godly as they ought to be. The point of this view of mine is that we should desist from making a prejudiced case that smacks off tendacious scholarship, writing a sensational article that is definitely out to demonize catholic priests and priesthood. Men and women are frail and have weaknesses. Priests are not any exception! Priests should do more to overcome the sexual temptations that come to them in a myriad of ways especially through strong prayer life. This is definitely not easy because we cannot shy away from the fact that they are biological and sexual beings like all of us, but it is, however, doable. We must constantly support them with our prayers, and should any of them be tempted to desire immoral relationship with us women, we should, like true mothers or sisters, discourage them from that without necessarily making them look like devil incarnate. We all have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God (Romans 3:23) Have we not? We have not only sinned, but we are sinners. "He that is without sin, cast the first stone", Jesus told the men who wanted to stone the woman caught committing adultery (cf. John 8:7). If we say we have no sin, we deceive ourselves, and the truth is not in us (1.John 1:8). For those who are currently in an ungodly relationship with a priest, please call it quits, there are a thousand and one men out there you can hook up with, so that tomorrow you will not go crying that you have been used and dumped by a priest whom you know that chances are very high that he will never abandon his vocation for “your vocation.” Please, let’s continue to pray for each other, encouraging one another, so that for those of us who believe in life hereafter, we shall meet in heaven, please God and by His.

Anonymous said...

I read this blog over and over again. Always when I feel I don´t know what to do next. My story is similar like others, except - I´m married. I was in a secret relationship with the priest. He escaped from me when things become to serious. He showed himself as a coward - he loved me, he was with me but did not find the strength to be there for me when I needed it.
Now I´m in the pain, and I don´t know how to live like nothing happened. I don´ t have a strength to let him go and I always come back to him somehow. But it cuts me each time deeper and deeper. Now I´m lost and broken... This site is very important to me. Thank you all, especially Marie.

Anonymous said...

Thank you Mary for sharing your thoughts. I've been in a relationship with a priest for only 6 months. After reading your article I know he is using me, but I can't imagine my life without him... we had a fight and he's not speaking to me now. I haven't heard from him for 2 days now and I'm devastated. I'm aware that I should end if now, but I can't... How to do it? How to leave the love of my life... How do you handle girls? How did you say "Goodbye" to your lovers? How..

Anonymous said...

Hi there everyone. I feel the best solution to prevent your heart from being devastated is to ignore and not to cultivate any feelings you have towards a person who is married to God. I know you blame these men for being insensitive to you and your needs, and for those men who did not tell you about themselves before they started a relationship,,, this is a great sin against their vows the church and God. As a catholic fornication is a mortal sin,, as is adultery. And a vow to our Lord God to keep yourself pure and resist the desires of the flesh should be taken seriously by them because it is the exact same as a marriage vow. Time heals all wounds and as cliche as this sounds it is totally true. I myself understand that God tests us constantly and Satan tempts us to follow the desires of the flesh. Become their friends but set up mental barriers to prevent yourselves from being hurt. Fasting is an awesome way to help teach control over the desires of the flesh. Try not to let your desires lead your life and this is SO hard to do, but it will make you stronger and will help in matters of self control.
Many Priests are very very inexperienced in matters of love and the heart. They probably do not have much or any experience in dealing with women and emotions directed towards them. They perhaps do not understand their own feelings towards you. Unlike us who have countless relationship experiences to gauge men and understand emotion. I myself very much like an older Priest at the church I attend. I myself am married mother and am quite young, but I refuse to allow my feelings to control/dictate my life or my actions. I am very happy with my husband and my life. I do not understand why I feel this need to get to know this Priest. I am wise enough to know that friendship is what I crave and determined enough to keep a friendship as just that.... a beautiful friendship. THERE ARE SEVERAL WEBSITES SOME OF YOU MAY FIND INTERESTING AND HELPFUL they are:
http://fatherjoe.wordpress.com/2009/03/28/priests-women-the-heart/
and
http://frmorrow.home.mindspring.com/docs/priestlov.htm
GOOD LUCK ON THE HEALING PROCESS
BY K

Anonymous said...

I am someone who is going though the process to become a Catholic Priest. And yes I meet this girl who I fell in love with, I was not looking for anything, but we just clicked very well and we fell for each other.

It's very hard for both of us we both have very stong feelings for each other, I have made it very clear that I still wish to become a priest.I know this hurts her very much and also me I do love her very much and I love all thee time we spend together it's realy nice.

We have never done anything that is going over the line like sex or anything like this as we both believe this should be in marriage.

My point is the Priesthood is a very special calling and for a great calling then sacrifice is needed,

My only worry is that I don't want to lose my friendship with this girl as to me she is very special and will always have a close place in my heart for her.

I just not sure if she will keep me as her friend as I know she finds it hard and I can understand how it must be hard but I hope she understand that it's also hard for me.

Anonymous said...

I was just rereading the posts and all that Marie wrote because it helps me go on with my life. I am still seeing my priest but nothing sexual since last Oct. When I finally found out that he was a priest.
How could I not have known? He talked about his parents and brothers. I still ask him sometimes why he didn't tell me from the start. I do still love him and probably always will. I try not to see him and then we go out to eat. It's all so crazy. Sometimes I think this will go on for the rest of our lives.
I have been trying to go out with other men but they don't compare to him.
I want to go on with my life and have a normal realationship with a normal man but I just can't.
Am I going to be in this confused state for the rest of my life?
Something tah keeps coming to mind are Marie's words RUN, LEAVE.

Anonymous said...

Hello to each one of you!
Me too I'm in a similar situation and do absolutely comprehend what you are going through.
The Priest I fell in love with two years ago, I haven't chosen that man. So imagine being administered the Holy Eucharist and knowing instantly in your heart that God has chosen this man for you?! In the beginning I struggled as I wasn't able to comprehend. St. Joseph did a great job, seriously...
Due to that I didn't want to bear this cross alone and me being someone honest, I have been transparent and confronted him with it to hear phrases on the phone like "since when can loving someone be a cross? Is it that grave?" or even when we met up to discuss aboutt his issue "this is a temptation by Satan. Go for a while to another Church, out of sight, out of mind". Of course I won't back off from my faith. I go to the Church because I go to worship God, not him. Why should I go to another Church if he is the one who continuously stares? Why should I leave if he is the one preaching "Lord, we pray to those who have to bear a cross, even a large cross, and who we love no matter what".
The hypocrisy must stop! Mine has been (and still is) hypocrite to me. Why? Out of fear? What about fearing God instead of fearing the Institutions of the Catholic Church, because God alone is the Judge, and not any celibacy rules! It is not the rules which condemn and let me tell you something else...which shall serve you as a large recomfort in your hurt...should they continue to provide so much pain, the clouds above the Catholic Church will even become broader, until the Priests understand that they shall love instead of making people fear or putting pain into the many hearts of women (and children...this regarding the pedophile scandals).
Everything is given to those who believe in God to reject evil and if evil comes in the form of Catholic priests (or priests of other confessions)...I will now begin to actively act upon it...to help ease the situation for you and the many others.
Let me intercede and see how quickly it can go, as quick as with the dictators past year? I am for sure someone extremely gentle but I can't stand injustices, they are abhorrent to me and it is now enough!
Regarding hell, also there is a comfort for you, as only those souls go there who want to go there, those who preferred bad actions over good ones. So considering many Priests acting as hypocrits towards you and putting thereby so much pain to your warm and caring hearts, ask yourselves who risks going to hell...those being transparent or rather those who are hypocrite? Those standing up for their feelings in an honest way or those hiding them?
May God bless you and may your cross become lighter to bear. Your sufferings, dedicate these to the well-being and salvation of souls, particularly those priests who put man-made laws above the will of God...
M

Anonymous said...

I started a relationship with a priest in November of 2011, he gave me a card that said: "Thank you for the gift of your friendship and for adding a lot to my life" after that day we communicated a lot daily, we spend hours chatting for about 4 months, we hung for a coffee sometimes after mass and also a few times for a glass of wine, he often told me how beautiful I was and how fortune he was for been next to me, I frequently responded also with the same kindness and asked him if that bother him since he was a Priest, his answer was always no, that it actually makes him feels good, we often tell each other how much we missed each other, and a good day he told me we need to talk about us, the conversation finally arrived and we confronted our true, he told me he have strong feelings for me and it was getting very difficult and I confessed my feelings for him as well. He used to call me his SPECIAL FRIEND and it made me think always what was being a SPECIAL FRIEND TO A PRIEST? From the beginning, he told me that he could never marry me in the future and the he can NOT be my boyfriend because for more that he thought about our relation he was not leaving a double life nor his priesthood. He never gave me false hope but promise that will always be together as a special friend, because friendship last forever. I love him and I was happy and satisfied just having him as a friend only, even when I cry daily unlimited amount of time, till the point that sometimes I need to take a pause in my work because I can't talk with a knot in my throat. He started no answering my emails and confirming every time I questioned him at church if something was wrong? His answer was always “we are friends and everything is fine”, but never faced my, it really hurt me because we promise be honest to each other happen what ever happen. I tried to speak with him many times, but he never had the time to do it, apparently he claim to be always busy, I feel like he turned against me and did not help me when I most needed from him. We were never intimate, however, there's no denying that our emotional relationship went beyond far, he dreamed often with me and

Anonymous said...

I did with him as well.
I can't feel good feeling guilty loving him, and I'm sure he feels the same way... the pain, sadness, being lost, hurt, desperate, feeling guilty goes beyond me every day... I am in my process of grieving right now, it hurts like hell. And I know I’ll always have this pain in my heart. This is the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with; most days I feel like I can't even go on. I frequently ask God why he did this to me? If this trial is for the Fr or for me? Why me? I know God does not prohibit love, he always wants for us to love each other, so why things like this happen? Sometimes I feel angry with God for bringing me so close to this person when I can't have him, specially for all I have suffered my whole life. I have so much anger inside but most of all, I am completely devastated that this has happened. And I can't stop loving; I can't stop contacting him. I carry his guilt as my own. I want to scream I want to cry and even sometimes die. I have fallen into the deepest depression I have never confronted in my life, especially because this is something I can't talk to anybody, I do not want to challenge his image or damage his priesthood in anyhow. He was recently appointed to another church and I can't quit thinking, Why was he changed? And also feeling guilty of his change, I feel embarrassed, sad, and a deep emptiness, an abandoned by someone who supposes to be there to help you spiritually. The thing that keep me with deepest sadness is that he promise me that we always be friends and now he does not even talk to me at all, it really, really hurts deeply in my heart, he have made a very deep wound in my heart, and I don't know if it will ever heal. I feel like I'm dying on the inside. This takes all of my strength to keep trying, and not just collapse. I just wish he knew the torture I am living and frequently think if he feel even half of the pain I'm feeling? Or if he is in the same trial I'm going through? I will always love him in a special way, I pray daily for both of us, because he have no idea how much I love him. I woke up daily going through this pain even when it has being 3 months that we have not seen each other privately and that he had cut any kind of contact with me, IT REALLY, REALLY HURT, but I will always love him he is very special to me.
Thank you for you blog, this is a big help....

Anonymous said...

It took me a long time to find this site I don't know why, but, thank God, I thought I was going insane, not undertsanding why I was using the terms like the pain is like being in hell, why was this I had lsot 2 husbands at an early age, it was grief horrific but never the word hell.I was 3 yrs and numerous times tried to end it but always got pulled back, but. Now he has pulled the rug from under me and I am devasyted, but, also - am dumb founded how he is wollowing in his pain that he is not free..someone somewhere please stop these men from distroying lives, my family, my friends have suffered too and some have disowned me, parishners pointed the finger gossiping about me and questioning my family and friends, but not one person ever made him accountable except my family to be honourable...and treat me with intrigity... Men that are priests ....you are
Very wrong to draw women in knowing if your stance is you have no intentions of leaving ...and my faith shattered ...it is like a vortex which has sucked body and soul from me ...and saying that even makes me ashamed knowing of horrific suffering in the world..it has to change..lives are being distroyed

Anonymous said...

Hello…every story is painfully similar and yet unique … my story is long….I met this boy, young men, 13 years ago, during summer campus. We fell in love, he was my very first and true love…we never had sex, because both of us are very religious ( to be clear he was study at the time in seminary and I was at the university, but at my orthodox tradition, priest can marry as long as that happens before he become a priest). We were madly in love and I knew that if he would ask I would marry him on a spot…after four month he had to leave to study abroad….I stayed behind and he never called for next nine month( now I know the reason why, but back that time I was super angry) and finally when he did call, I was upset that I did not want to talk to him, I felt betrayed….years passed and I still had hope that maybe one day I will see him again… a few year later I got an e-mail from him that he still remembers me and he wants to see me. I called and we talked and talked and talked…four hours. I was so happy to hear from him and yet stupid trying to hurt him back, so that he knows how I felt when he never called me prior… I said that only friendship is possible and hang up! I was sure he will call me back.. he did not! What I did not know that he was just about to become a priest in orthodox catholic church and he wanted me to be by his side as his wife… after four month I put my pride away and found him, but it was too late friend of mine told me that he is a priest for about two weeks now…I knew what that meant for me, I wouldn’t to this to him! That was the day when I understood that I lost the love of my life…..
Any way here I am 13 years later, married with two beautiful kids, great husband, never stopped remembering that blue eyed boy that I will wish only the best of all and thought that I will never see again

Our life crossed so unexpected, we had mutual friends on FB, we put a few likes on FB and one day he was on chat and I asked how was his charity going and when I saw replay back with smile face my heart pounded, we were talking for quite some time and when I noticed that my words a very caring and gentle towards him, I wrote to him that I must stop communicating with him, because it will be a disaster to my family which I love more than anything, I told him that I never forgot him but It is too late for us, was late 13 years ago, I said goodbye. He wrote long letter saying that he always loved me and told me to remember that no matter what he is here for me…we left everything as it is….one day life was even more surprising, I met him face to face, not planned and unexpected, how crazy is that we live in different countries and yet had to meet….what was next is beyond my life rules and my morals…we could not control ourselves and our emotions ( before I saw him I would be so sure that I would never have an affair …we had the most amazing love.. and the worst part was yet to come, saying goodbyes, we had too. I love my husband, love my kids and he always will be my first love, just now I do not have to wonder what if and how that would be… what we have and had is the best gift from God I ever got and it’s very painful to be apart, but I know he won’t break his priesthood as well as I won’t break sacrament of marriage…so here I am two years after that, still remembering him and praying for me and for him. I feel guilty because what happened. I think when he was leaving he said that if I want we can have these moments more often and then he said, but knowing you you will never say yes, that is why I felt in love with you)) and he smiled… I told him I would never be a lover, I want everything and I have now everything, and I would never change that( I have to be honest I went through my mind just for a second) but I also know myself and where I am at. It’s very painful and still not easy, I have to keep myself super busy. I pray and ask God to guide me and forgive me.
Advise to everybody, don’t be full, when a priest become a priest he will die being priest!

Anonymous said...

Okay. Well, thank you for letting me share without revealing my identity. I appreciate that. I so relate to everything that has been posted. Especially the last two posts.

I am married to a man who loves me as best he can. I believe God brought my priest into our lives. I did not expect to fall in love with him, but...

There were red flags; I ignored them. I thought he was "family"; I was wrong. Right? He said He loved me, that he would love me forever. We weren't sexual, but we were intimate. Or so I thought. Something changed. Was it when I kissed his neck?

No words. Just separation. Just devestation.

And now I must go on.

I will never be the same, but...

Thank you for showing me the next step in how to go on...

I can't quite remember your words, but I think of them as:

Run.
Leave.
Flee.
Now.

Thank you.
(Tears)
- Laura

Anonymous said...

I am so, so in love with him. Have been for the past 2 years. Saw him many, many times a week. This year he was relocated. One of the hardest times of my life. I am really sad. Nothing ever happened, we were really close when he was here but mostly because I sought him. I miss him so, so so very much. I need him. I love him.

Anonymous said...

I believe it is the Celibacy issue which is behind most of the pain.It is Manmade and should be made optional.I know a woman whose life was ruined by one of these relationships.She has confided in me fully and what surprised me was the number of priests who are involved in these 'secret affairs'.The celibacy thing just ain't working and the sooner it is scrapped the better.

gul meena said...

Mano,
i am really thankful that i have found this site. i have been involved with a priest for 10 years, had 3 abortions, and been told by him that it was clear from the start that we cannot marry. but still i love him! i don't know what to do.

Anonymous said...

O.m.g.i feel the same way ,Iam dying the first time I saw him he was dress normal (not like a priest).and I fell in love with him since,and I think he feels the same way about me .he looks at me (eye contact )his eyes they are so shiny and he looks at my breast .hiw can I tell if he loves me .when I am leaving the church he saids to me cao Bella .i need help before I get a heart attack .

Anonymous said...

I originally posted on 8/16/11. I had posted that my relationship was over. It was over for about a week. I went back to him. I couldn't live without him. I was miserable with him because of the secrets and shame but I was more miserable without him. I decided I would be a friend with benefits. I would date but not sleep with anyone else. That lasted until this past May. I slept with someone else and told him. We have not been intimate since. But I am still living a lie. I love him. I want him. And I continue to sleep with the other man even though I have no feelings for him. I want my priest back. We text everyday, and I can't cut him out of my life. He is my addiction. So many of your stories stab my heart. I like to fool myself that if priests could marry, he would marry me. If you have not started a relationship with your priest, DON'T! Run as fast as you can. The pain never goes away.

Anonymous said...

Thank you... I'm a young girl and I've been having a strange feeling for this man... I've never felt it before. I truly love him. I don't know if he does, but he's the only person to ever show interest in me at all

Anonymous said...

I have read this blog and red this blog and it still amazes me and yet brings comfort to know I am not alone in loving a man I can never have.

My priest and I met when I was in high school and gradually we both began to realize something was there between us. I graduated, became a communion distributor, worked near the church.

There were subtle looks, loving gazes, hand holding, but we never allowed it to move onto anything else. He was a priest. I knew he would always be a priest, and so did he, and perhaps that was the reason why we didn't allow it to go further. He was from a large Catholic family and it would have killed his mother and father for anything to come between him and his vocation.

A couple of years into this, he was mercifully transferred to study in Italy. It hurt to see him go and prayer for him was my only release. I knew when he came back, he would be stationed elsewhere, and he was.

I tried to move on, and eventually married a kind man who loved me dearly. But he wasn't my "love" and that eventually took its toll on the marriage.

I saw him again, this priest I loved, a couple of times in the last few years and its still there now some 30 years later. We lunched and talked and laughed, and hugged as we parted. Oh how I treasured those hugs.

But he grew wiser, as I should have, and again mercifully, he stopped answering my missives, stopped writing. He has chosen not to continue putting both of us at risk, and I thank him because I too have worked in ministry in another faith group and he knows what that would do to me and my vocation as well as his.

I too grew wiser. At the point when he had returned from Italy, I asked God to take him and lead him and protect him. I believe He did. But I also know what welled up in me when I saw him just 4 years ago. And so I choose too, to back away, never turning away and still loving him but wanting the best for him as I always have.

I know this love will stay with me and I know at times it will bring with it a melancholy heartache, but also a joy for him and his happiness.

I would never allow myself to wallow, and I will not try to rekindle what once was. But I do love him and I would not trade one moment of that. But I do long to know complete peace about it, to trust he is completely safe in the hands of the God we both serve, to forgive myself and him, to move completely forward with that time as just a precious memory and fullness of life and happiness ahead. Pray for me.

Annonymous said...

Hi, Im from SA and Im going through the same and its weighing heavely on me. This happened whilst he was brother X, though we knew what was happening between us, we never acted on our feelings we just continued to be friends, i was about 18 and he was 24. We kept in touch but we drifted apart for about 10yrs and I recently got his numbers from another priest and we reconnected but i stopped calling for about 2months and there he was 2weeks back at church assisting as our priest was on holiday, this is after 20yrs and when i saw him, nothing happened, it was normal but now all those feelings are back and he's now acting of them and its so difficult, i do not know what to do, that is my one true love, we've talked about it over the phone and thru text but i believe real closure will happen once we sit and talk this through, he acknowledges he loves me but he made a commitment and im ok with that, i never forced myself on him then i certainly wont but i feel i cannot never love another man the way i love him. I need help, i need the strenght so i can help him get over this as i believe for him its even worse. He will be leaving SA for a year, i cant be happy and say i'll get over him, if i couldn't for 20yrs. I need to deal with this once and for all. I respect him so much, his first love will always be the church and god

Thanks
SA

Anonymous said...

Hi, i came from one of the Catholic countries in south east asia..and just like everyone, i've been experiencing all the common pain and hurt that women felt when involved with priests..
For me, we started off as friends, then we lost touch for a while until fate would bring us back together again, this time, he has already taken his vows to the priesthood. Though both of us knew that it was wrong, we still fell in love..it was so painful, being in a very complicate relationship..everything was secret..but still we both tried so damn hard to hang on to our love.
The relationship turned intimate until i got pregnant. we both didnt know what to do then, but we both wanted the baby so much. but, almost 4 months into my pregnancy, i lost our baby, i had a miscarriage.thats when war erupted.i was condemned, cursed, hated and trampled upon...
what pains me much is his silence, he is coping on his own pain and im left alone to face the devils.. and it hurts more that the church has somehow washed their hands on the issue. whats important to them is that their priest is alright..
i went into deep depression, i wanted to end my life because i didnt have the heart the face the strength to face the wrath of people.
i know i will never be okay. this will be a shadow following me until the day i die. and i know that we will both never move on until we both find closure...

Anonymous said...

I can completely emphathize with each and every post on this site. I really wish there was a separate discussion board where all of us can help each other. It really helps to talk with women who are in similar situations. As many of you would agree, it's not an issue/topic that we can freely talk about with people around us. Yet it's so hard to just deal with all this by myself. Often times, I find myself wishing that there was someone whom I can completely trust and/or who would not judge me to whom I can confide to. Is there any way to start a discussion/help board somewhere?

Anonymous said...

i find myself in this same mess... been dating Fr x for 5 months now. been a really romantic relationship im 22 years old and few years older. we having a sexual realtionship and during love making he talks about having kids but also talks about not leaving his job ! im really young ... but i find myself in this mess ... truly deep in this mess. he calls me his wife ... i can see he might be turky inlove with me !1 but he wont leave his job for me , i believe he has been in relationships before .. what makes me different? i have read this blog more than once 4th time this week ... i am looking for word of hope ... what am i ??? really confusing me

Anonymous said...

I got teary eyed when you said that since it was a secret relationship the grieving has to be secret too... I'm in the same situations like all of you..

Anonymous said...

I did read those letters before and I am reading those letters again after. how did I get myself into this mess? I was thinking since God got us so close together he will not part us away. Maybe he was testing Him as a Priest and me...? I had just 3 relationships and I am 40 now, and none of them hurt as much as this one. Maybe I thought that Priest cannot hurt me, that I am safe with him.... We became good friends at first, he was leaving our Parish and I didn't get to say goodbye so I got his number from another Priest and called him. We talked for hours about nothing and everything. My marriage was falling apart due to my husband's drinking and abuse and with kids involved I decided to divorce. I told him my darkest secrets and that I am planning to divorce. I think that gave him a green light. Somehow we started talking how we feel about each other and slowly our feelings grew stronger and stronger. I even got the whole family to go where he was transferred for a week. I managed to see him for 4 days. We got too close... Day before we left we met at the beach, how romantic..kids playing in the sand and we talking in angry ocean with the view of the Church behind us. We didn't talk for a week after I came back. I felt like someone ripped a heart out of me, like someone took my breath away. I couldn't live without him. We talked again and then he couldn't take it again and broke off with me. I was dealing with it and with my husband drunk all the time, verbally abusive at front of the kids, my Mother sick with cancer I thought God is panishing me that I tried to steal His servant. I was going to Church couldn't even look in the eyes of other priests, I had a feeling that they know something. And one day friend of mine noticed that my belly is so round and made fun of me that either I had good lunch or pregnant. I am fit person with sixpack on my stomach so no wonder people noticed. That was 1 month after our lovely encounter. Pregnancy test came negative, but I did tell him what is going on and sent him a pic of my stomach. My breasts were hurting and getting bigger. I was happy and scared ad the same time. He promised he will not leave me again, he talked to other Priests and they would help him find a job. I filed for divorce because things were really ugly on my side. And then another punishment I was spotting and before even my visit to a doctor and ultrasound I knew. I knew what happened because I had a ablasia done and could not carry pregnancy. Doctor yelled at me and my love left me again.... how many times he would hurt me over and over again. I know he was struggling as well or just playing. There was one more situation again that I can't describe and I got caught by my to be ex husband. My Priest deleted video chat contact and my husband forced me into sex with him and left. After all this I should really come to my senses and forget about him and start a new life. It is hard to pretend that everything is ok. I only cry at night when no one can see me or hear me. Last Sunday I just burst in tears when our Priest was talking about Marriage. I cried for not being able to be with the one that I love. He told me that he had a woman in our town before he left but he didn't love her. Is he going to say same thing to the next girl? I am devastated and after all this still in love and I don't understand.... he doesn't write back, he doesn't care if I am even alive...My heart will never heal...

Anonymous said...

I met my priest when I came back to the church five years ago. I was immediately drawn to his love for God, and for his parish. I had spent 30 years with a man who was incapable of loving me or God. This was not completely his fault. He was badly abused by his father, who was a "devout" Catholic. When I first became friends with my priest, we both held back the obvious connection we felt for each other.

I became very involved in many aspects of the church. Music, committees, etc. of course, so was he. We quickly found that we were both nerds who had many interests in common. Then, as the friendship deepened, he was diagnosed with prostate cancer. He was ready to take a trip to see someone who could possibly help him, where others had given up hope for him. I stopped to wish him well, and we talked for a bit. When I got ready to leave, I looked at him, and he looked so scared, I put my hand to his cheek, and kissed him. He stiffened, and I apologized, and left quickly.

When he returned, he called me and told me he had all these feelings for me, and I told him I felt the same, and there began the most loving and fulfilling relationship either of us could have ever prayed for. We decided that we would try to maintain a loving friendship, and were very open to others that we were friends. Most of the parish thought it was wonderful, but others did not, and took it to the Bishop. It was either the church or me. I am unable to see him or talk to him, and he is in his terminal stage. I have only words from friends to tell me how he is. The church is still checking his emails and monitoring his every move in his new parish. He has been given 2 months to live. His friends from his past who are helping him now, want me nowhere near him. I will probably not see him before he dies, and have not seen him for a year and a half. Still, I spend my time doing all we used to do together, alone. I am very depressed, and I am very tempted to sneak down to see him, but am afraid I will cause trouble for him. My salvation is a set of rosary beads that he gave me before he left. They were his mother's.

I have no regrets, and will love him til the day I die. I know that he holds me in his heart and in his prayers. I pray that he will ask for me, to say goodbye, and that they will let me see him. I am in terrible pain and loss.

Anonymous said...

Three years ago my family started to became more religious in the Catholic faith and they became friends with a priest. He does not belong to my parish but I see him almost every weekend. My family has no idea about the feelings I have for him. The feelings were mutual at one point (this was 2 yrs ago). We secretly saw each other and spoke on the phone almost everyday for a month. As time passed, we decided that nothing was going to come out from this relationship because he wasn’t planning on leaving the priesthood . He hasn’t broken his vow of celibacy but we have done things that are inappropriate for a priest to do . I really can't get him out of my head. I love him dearly and i don't think he should be a priest. We've spoken about if things were different, he would want to spend the rest of his life with me. Now, I still see him often and he acts like nothing has happened. We don't contact each other. Well, I contact him but he blows me off. I know I should let him go. I don’t know what to do anymore. I thought that as time passed, my feelings for him would subside but they haven’t. I’ve never spoken to my family about this situation because I don’t want to ruin the relationship my family has with him. Can you please give me some advice on what to do? Should I tell my family? I want to move on (in my mid 30s, never married and no kids). I don’t want to spend another 2 years caring for someone who doesn’t want to be with me. Please help!

Anonymous said...

I Have been in the same situation for the past years . It feels good to read your article on this... I met my first love during my high school year and he was still a seminarian then . He started courting me when i was entering my first year in college. we would only communicate through letters and he was very expressive of his love for me . I was already falling for him but an unexpected thing happened between us so i have to let him go . Without him knowing that i have loved him too. Years have passed and our communication lines had opened again but we never talked about what really happened. We are still friends but we no longer communicate as often as before because things have changed. He became a priest and even attended his ordination. We would see each other in some occassions when i visited the province and would have our normal conversations without him knowing that i still love him for the longest time and my feelings for him still hasnt changed. Until last year , we have the longest conversation ever that we were able to discuss what have happened to us 21 years ago . I apologized to him and confess my love for him then before we separated . It just feels good after that conversation. Till then our communication lines went open again. We would talk over the phone and text just to keep in touch each week . But just this year , during one of our serious talks we both were surprised to find out that we still love each other for the longest time ( even after 22 years ) . Our love for each other has not changed . But it was just so sad that we cant be together.We tried to continue the relationship for sometime but eventually we both realized that it's getting nowhere. We still communicate till now but we both know where we stand .I'm still single to this day , it's just so sad that we cant be together . That i have to accept and understand. I'm praying the i'll get over this and i'm happy for the love that we have shared. Thank you .

Anonymous said...

Oh my goodness, I have the same problem. I contact my priest far more than he does, he has showed signs that he really likes me. He is a terrible flirt with all the ladies but he has this amazing charisma! I dont think he has the holy spirit guiding him, he is a very sociable man and I do think he would make an amazing husband and father (real one!). That said, in my heart of hearts he would not make a good partner for me as he has wondering eyes and that would not do for me! also I think he has become so institutionalised that he would find it very difficult in the 'real world'. I have decided today that I will stop contact with him other than to do with reasons connected to the church. No more pictures and slightly cheeky emails. It has made me so upset and has given me false hope over this year, I want to be a good mother and I cant be if I am involved with someone who cant be with me, as my sadness shows when I am around my children. For them, I have decided enough is enough. Thank you for your post, your honesty and advice. God bless.

Breeda said...

It's been almost 10 years now and my priest and I are still together but he has broken my heart so many times in those 10 years. Last summer after my mother had died and I was very fragile, he did it again, he cut contact with me because his superiors told him to do so. I cried so much for him at a time when I should have been grieving for my mother and I find it very hard to forgive myself for that. I begged and pleaded with him not to leave me but he did and he cut all contact with me. It just shattered and broke me. He came back into my life again just before Christmas, just like he always does and like the fool that I am, I took him back. Will I ever learn ? My problem is that life without him is unbearable ! Just saying that makes me feel pathetic. I wish that I could get him out of my head and heart. HELP !

Anonymous said...

The first time I saw him I knew he was going to be in my life somehow. I was the Youth Gp. Director and part of the CCD high school program. The other priest was forced to retire and he was a "passing priest" there until a permanent one was assigned. Through my businesses and church - we connected. We had private dinners - intense - private dinners, shared wine and great conversations. He knew how I felt and I knew he felt the same - through his eyes. When he was transferred - we continued to see one another briefly but did. After many months, I contacted the "Diocese" and spoke to a wonderful person there to get help for me. He was our go between person. I never sought charges against him - though I was asked if I wanted this - of course not. He was my love, my companion, my soul mate. I still attempt to contact him - my heart aches, my stomach is in knots, it has altered my life completely. In a marriage that doesn't have a connection anymore - he "the priest" made me feel whole again. So much more info but not able to get it out. He is in Wisconsin and wants to stay with the Diocese. I want him close too - why can't I let him be? Why are we - women - the ones who seem to suffer here? I confessed to the local priest who has been assigned and he treats me terribly. Blames me for what happened that the other one could have never stooped to such as level. They are human beings - right? They are God ; however, some think they are God. Is that why - they cause so much hurt, humiliation and uncertainty?

Anonymous said...

I have been working as a parish housekeeper for the past 5 years and during that time an associate priest came to live at the rectory; he was there for two years. When he first moved in I was immediately attracted to him. I loved his blue eyes and his sense of humor. Because I was his housekeeper, we saw each other every day. I spent more time with him than other parishioners because I made his meals, did his laundry, and cleaned his room. I know that before he became a priest he was in a long relationship with a woman and that they both decided to join religious orders - thus ending their relationship. I have always felt like he was tormented by the fact that as a priest he cannot be in a relationship. I know that he has slight issues with alcohol and maybe all of this is part of the reason I am attracted to him - because I see a side of him that is fragile and hurting. He has since been moved to become pastor of his own parish (and now a second one due to the demand). This priest is very traditional and devoted to the church; he is friends with our bishop and has had several special assignments as a priest. He is very good at what he does and I will never jeopardize his ministry. However, I am left with a hole in my heart. I loved him from the start and continue to dream about living a life together. At one point I considered becoming an Oblate nun so that I might have the opportunity to care for him in the future. I am now in a loving relationship with someone else and I would never risk losing that either, but my heart aches knowing that this priest that I truly love will never know of my feelings.

Anonymous said...

Ladies, I want to be as kind and compassionate as possible. Those of you who were duped by these shameless men who did not tell you that they were clergy are clearly without blame and are victims of abuse. Those of you who are pining after these men and knowingly engaging in these relationships are self-abusing. You are attracted to what you can't have. That is human nature - chasing after what is seemingly unattainable. We have to take responsibility for our own actions. For an adult woman to consent to a physical relationship with a celibate priest is foolish. You can't help what you feel but you can control what you do about those feelings. A celibate priest is married to the Church - end of story - unless he decides to leave the priesthood. You are gambling with your psychological, emotionally and spiritual health. You will lose. This is not "love", dear sisters. It's obsession. Pray for the emotional maturity and stength to be liberated from it. God bless you all and keep you.

Anonymous said...

I have been in love with him for almost two years. I love him. I really do. In every Mass that I had attended, I always say to God to please grant him to me and to please forgive me. Last night, I was so tired. He invited me to take my dinner and I said that I don't want to. He suddenly held my hand and touched my face. Everytime I'm losing my hope to have him, he will come to me and will give me the reason to continue loving him. Despite of our 21 years age gap, despite of what people will say about me, I'll continue to love him even in secrecy. He's a man too. I know he know what I feel about him. I love him. Forever.

Anonymous said...

Thank you fro writing one of the best articles on this topic, I've found a grat deal of helpful things in it. I have known him for almost five years, considered him for my best friend for 3, been acknowlagebly in love with him for the past two years and been in a sexual relationship with him since last week. No one has ever made me feel more alive than he did, and I honestly believe that I love him, even though I am completely aware that he does not love me back and sees me just as a very good friend whith whom he hot carried away that one time we were alone in his room. I do not expect him to leave his priesthood for me or fall madly in love with me. In this moment, just knowing that I mean at least something to him and the memories of us, together in the night, make all of it worth it. I know this will not end well, as we had our fights in the past and the after-fight periods were so painful I could barely function. But it is impossible to expect from me that I would be thinking rationally only a week after it happened, right? Because right now, I am in a state of blissful happines, when I drift off all the time during my day, thinking of his lips on mine and how we just kept smiling the whole time through, grinning like two idiots. I know the higher I get on this happines, the deeper I will fall...but the high feels to good. Not just yet. He will be deported to another city with the end of this school year (this has been arrranged a long time ago), and I will see him only on few occasions, so i guess if not sooner, then will be the time when I'll have to deal with everything.

It's just...I know it sounds crazy and irrational, but i want to make him happy so, so bad. Nothing makes me happiear than knowinh he is happy and nothing makes me more miserable than feeling his pain or loneliness. I would tore myself to pieces and cover him with them, if that would mean he wouldn't feel so alone anymore.

I'm sorry, I must sound like a crazy person, it's not like that at all. In a way, I am really grateful for his priesthood, because I would never have known him if he wasn't what he is.

Anonymous said...

I have been living in the same situation for the past years. The relationship started when he was not yet ordained as priest. All those years I held on hoping he would not pursue priesthood as I saw in him how much he loved me and valued our relationship. But it was just a false hope for after two years he got ordained without any explication from him filled to my knowledge. It hurts so much. I dealt the pain and learned to live with it. I love him dearly and so I took him back in my life. We keep the relationship for 5 years now. I know we love each other but these past few months, i am beginning to realize where am I heading to in this ill-defined relationship. I am contemplating of ending the relationship...I know this would not be an easy task for me to do. Please HELP...

Anonymous said...

Thank you for your information and for all of the Anonymous comments as well. It is hard for me to admit that I am in a similar situation. I am just now in the process of ending the relationship, it's been a roller coaster ride from the start and has lasted 7 months. I would never choose to do this to myself, but i happened nonetheless. I "bought" the praise, adoration, etc. What I have come to realize in these last few days is he'll never be able to reciprocate his love in the way a man should if he is truly in love. It hurts. I just wish there was someone I could talk to to help me through the healing process and to never make this mistake again. They can be seductively manipulative, knowing how to pull us in. I am just grateful we never had sex. I shudder to think where I might be now if that happened.

Anonymous said...

Hes my best friend, and he is studying to become a priest. I am non-religious. He doesnt beleive in the hell and mortal sin stuff, he thinks thats medieval. and so do I, he's in catholicism for the social work and the education that the process of becoming a priest offers, My problem is not the future with him, my problem is the present... I am forced to keep it a secret that only a few friends know about, and we cant freaking go anywhere. Lemme explain no PDA, no holding hands in the street, etc. I am in love, but I am also young. All I can say is that we only have one life, and though it may seem like it, love is not enough for a good relationship. Secrecy is emotionally drainig and BORING. All we ever do is hang out at my house. Our world is a beautiful one, but its so small. We are in love but life is beautiful and full of possibilities, and of emotionally mature, available men. Maybe if he leaves the church we can try again, and I can actually have fun. I am his escape but he is not mine, in spite of my love for him. I am ending it because I have to love myself more. Best of luck for all of you! A relationship should be fun and smooth flowing!!

Anonymous said...

Mark

I would kindly thank you for the sharing that you gave.I hope we all take it as a point for us to be sure of what we do and its consequences.Blame wont take us anywhere.My greatest concern is the fact that priests are men with capacity to love and make a woman joyful,only that due to the vow of celibacy they are not allowed to marry and enjoy publicity in their relationship,how are we to reconcile the two? For those women who later realized that they were moving with priests i pity their ignorance.How to you manage to get into sexual affairs with someone you dont know that bit? All said and done the most important thing is what we desire in any relationship,in this case LOVE which is to be given and received,determines our joy.Help one another to grow in holiness.

Anonymous said...

I have been through this same, many years ago. I knew he was a priest because I went to him for spiritual counseling about a problem I was having. We became friends, and I was truly shocked when he initiated sexual contact in his room in the rectory one evening.

He wasn't totally to blame, though because shocked as I was, I didn't say "no." I gave in because I realized that over the months we had been cultivating a friendship, we'd also learned to love each other. We made love, though I never asked him to choose between me and the Church. I always assumed his choice was the Church.

Then I became pregnant. At first, he seemed quite understanding. His biggest fear seemed to be that I would worry. I told him at my apartment, and he told me not to worry, that things were going to be okay. However, on his short drive back to the rectory he was overcome by fear and panic because he phoned me and said, "It just dawned on me on the drive back, if there was me, there must have been others."

I don't know what was said after that. I just went into shock, but I know how ridiculous his argument sounded because I could have used the same argument with him, yet I know there were no others in his life just as he knew there were no others in mine. He was afraid. He was panic-stricken, and he took it out on me. He depended on the Catholic Church for his livelihood. Being a priest was all he knew. And then there was his family to consider. It overwhelmed him and he felt he had to flee.

I was in such a state of shock that I never even tried to make him see reason. I fled to Europe and stayed there for years. I even changed my name so he couldn't find me if he tried. I had twins - his twins - a boy and a girl.

In the meantime, he applied to become a military chaplain, and he was sent to combat zones in the Middle East. I forgave him, but he couldn't forgive himself.

Many years later, I returned from Europe and discovered he was dying of cancer. We talked. He told me he had always loved me. That he had loved me every day of his life. I, too, had loved him every day of my life. However, because of our fear and insecurities we lost years of love and friendship. I would have gladly had his children without being married to him. I would have never forced him to leave the Church and the priesthood, but he felt he had to in order to do the "honorable thing" and he just couldn't bring himself to leave.

Neither one of us ever had any peace after the say our relationship ended. Yes, we did achieve some closure, and we did talk honestly with each other, and we did truly love each other. But it was a doomed love from the very start.

It isn't the fault of the promise of celibacy a priest makes to his bishop and his bishops successors. Many lay persons go through this same thing. It's the fault of fear and insecurity - on both sides. The Catholic Church is a big part of my life, so I did not leave the Church. I love the Lord more than I ever did.

This priest was "the one" love of my life. It was a mistake on both our sides, it was a misunderstanding born of fear, but there it is. I held his hand when he died. I pray for him daily, I put flowers on his grave, and I wear his photo in a locket he gave me years ago.

If anyone finds themselves in love with a priest, I think the best thing to do is to pray for his vocation and get out of the relationship as fast as you can. Tell him you want a home and a husband and a family and you know he can't give that to you. There are many predatory priests out there, but don't blame the Church. There are many predatory men out there who will use you who have never set foot inside a Catholic Church. Let him know upfront that a romantic or sexual relationship just isn't going to happen - and then don't let it. I wish I'd done that because I can tell you, loving a priest, if you truly love him, is something from which you never, ever recover.

God bless.

Anonymous said...

My heart leapt for joy today when I read that the Pope's second-in-command said that the issue of clerical celibacy is open for discussion. Reading these posts, I no longer feel crazy or heretical. I've been in love with my pastor for over a year. Our attraction has been unadmitted, but too many incidents & undercurrents have manifested for me to think that it's all in my head. I don't know where he's at with all this; no lines have been crossed, but I love him & I can't give him up. I need him in my life. For all I know he has someone else, but by all accounts he's aboveboard & not living a double life. I need him, I love him & am in love with him, & God help me to love him the right way. I'm not married & am finally at age 47 living as a celibate single, no longer trying to make sex outside of marriage work (so painful!). I want to follow the Lord; I don't want to defy Him, but I have to speak the truth about my deepest feelings. Thank you for giving me a safe place to admit my cherished love for this man. It is so healing just to write these words.

Anonymous said...

Thanks for appreciating my post. I just simply love him. We had come to the point that we are being issued by his secretary that there is "something" between the two of us. He fought for me. During that time, I said to myself that we are alright like this, loving him from afar because I can't take to see him in pain. I just said to myself that after I finished my studies and have a stable work, I will fight for him. He doesnt put a period to his vocation. He's open to possibilities of leaving his vocation. When I am on the right age, I will fight for him just like him fighting for me and not closing doors for me.

Anonymous said...

Am facing a similar situation as u. I can't let go but it hurts the more because he is also loving someone else right in the parish. Am so broken

Anonymous said...

I too believe that sexual intercourse with a priest is foolish if the woman knows about his celibacy vow. In some cases described here, this was however unintentional, on the part of the woman, and those priests were really abusers.

But the article treated in general the guilt and shame related to being "a close girlfriend" of a priest. I was a "close friend" of a priest until some days ago, until I wanted to make things more clear and he reacted in the way described by the article. I surely did not want to marry the guy, I am not even sure I even like him very much, as I know very well his character and have little reasonto admire him, but I wanted however to clarify our positions, in fact not for the very first time.

The fact was that he reassured me over time that I was a very dear friend to him and liked to spend time with me. Suddenly, when I enphasized that this friendship costed me some feelings of guilt and difficulties in sustaining my self-esteem, he started treating me coldly and haughty, giving me "pastoral advice" as to how to deal "spiritually" with obstacles in friendship in general. I reproached him that this advice was too general and failed to show the extent to whioch he could assume his relationship in the friendly "affair" with me. After this, he wrote me a very intricate message by which (as I finally understood) wanted to tell me that although "priests make mistakes" I have read too much into the relationship... Then, another clear message arrived, in which he refused every responsability for the implications that I "attributed" to him, since he was uninvolved emotionally towards me.

I was kind of shocked, because this came after one year and a half in which he gave me many assurances of his care for me, even after we had some fights.
And at the beginning of our friendship he used to show much excitement when we met or talked.

What i could elaborate after this shock is that he only manipulated me with ambiguities since he wanted me to remain his tender friend and support him (I add that I really did that with loyalty, as he passed through many difficulties). And then, when he thought he no longer needed me, he rejected me rather unkindly.

I find the comments on the narcissism of priests very worthy - this guy really shows that exceedingly. I feel now as I was deceived by a humbug and a manipulator, but thank God feel not depressed, since I realize that I disliked him in many respects, despite my loyalty and devotion to him. And I had my words with him, and sent him some contemptuous remarks about his conduct with me and about his real character. I am just sorry that he may deceive other people as well.

Anonymous said...

Anoymous , The same thing had to me as much as i can justicy . By my husbands verbable abuse . It only ladted for 3months however there was no sex beteen us or even a kiss there was words spoken deep into my very soul and how much he loved mr . after it was all said & done he told me how muc i scared when he see my name afarid I could tell on him his words were mean . Since then its been almot 2years and I have so long to write him alrtter and tell him how a man og God could distory me so much my husband and I have separted romms I cey still almost every night I dont work I have a family however when they are all gone to school all I do is sleep I no linger seek out friensships I no longer wathch tv I have lost my things that I enjot doing . I dont even like being around my husband because there is aways an aurgment there are days I dont stepout sideI do t even care how I look anymore. Girls i just do t knowhow too get pass thisthe pain is too deep I am 52 years old WHat will i do ? I have never work iI dont no how to get my self out of this pit I feel there is no hope for me well I am sure the Priest has move on I so want to tell him off.please give me some advise :( !!

Anonymous said...

I met this priest Dec 25th 2013. I never lnew I would fall in love with him. We were just preistand parishioner until April when we exchanged blackberry pins and started chatting casually. Until one fateday in jkune when I went visiting him. The chemistry between us was so intense. We only shared a hug and the nex day we wenton a drive together and that was when we shared our feelings and we agreed we will do every other thing but not make love. It was electrifying whenever we were together, we would chat unend, see everyday because I wouldn't miss evening mass for anything. Shortly after he came back from his vacation in September he started seeing someone else in the same parish. I knew when it all started but he kept on denying it. Until I got the proof I needed, this other lady now called me one day to insult me. We were together when this call came. Of which he apologized. I was thinking he would end the relationship with her but that only got them stronger. He started chatting less with me. He barely picked my call. And then his transfer came. I was chatting with him after mass one evening after everyone else had left only for this other lady he kept denying that they did not have anything drove in to the church and walked to his apartment. I was so devastated. He kept denying it. One evening I went to church and I accidently saw her car parked in his garage and he was denying it that it wasn't her car I had to go in to his apartment. When the lady saw me she froze in shock. There and then I concluded my suspicion that they are dating. Which he still denied. After all said and done, things changed because we were no longer chatting except for when he needed me to do something for him. He used me because I was always there for him. Eventually he left to new parish. He never for once called me to check how I was doing, the only time he did was for me to assist him for an administrative work. He chatted less and less with me. Another time he asked me toget something for him while we chatting. He doesn't have chat with me unless heneeds something. Him and the other are really going strong. Iam married and she is not. I guess he made a choice and chose her. On dec 31st 2013 I finally broke up with him told him,he has been using me, deleted him off on all chatting platforms. I am so devastated. I never wished we end up like this. He tells me am I source of joy to him. And yet he left me before I knew it because he could stay for days and not chat or weeks and not call me. I can't remain lile this because I was very addicted to him. Thank God he was transfered I won't have been able to see him and the other lady together when I know he chose her over me. I have decided to move on.