Spiritual Life for a Catholic Alumnus

I disagree with the Church’s teachings concerning original sin and the role Jesus plays in my spiritual life. According to the Church, as a human being I am flawed so I require the intercessions of the Church to connect my flawed self with God. Accordingly, this is the only way that I could touch divinity, for in and of myself I can accomplish nothing. The Church teaches that Jesus died on the cross to make Heaven accessible to me and the Church is needed to bring those blessings down to earth for me, otherwise I would never enjoy the presence of God. Where could I, a lapsed Catholic, turn when leaving the Church which has taught me such self-aversion and dependence?

Over the years, I've come to believe that all creatures have the divine in them and that all people are the divine incarnate walking the earth. I don’t need the rituals of the Church to create a metaphysical link to divinity. I am filled and surrounded by divinity. It has not been easy to learn to experience the divine in myself. My Catholic programming tells me that I am evil and untrustworthy by nature. Can you see how those beliefs might interfere with seeing myself as the divine incarnate walking the earth? In other words, I distrusted myslf so much that I simply couldn't allow my creative impulses to come into consciousness. In other words, although I believe that I am the divine incarnate walking the earth I don't always experience myself that way. That has become the essence of my spiritual practice now that I've left the Church behind.

My spiritual practice is simple. I am discovering who I am and who I am not, becoming more of who I am while eliminating more of who I am not.

Now this approach to life is the opposite of the Church's approach. The Church wanted me to believe that I am worthless and dangerous so that I could see the advantage of becoming more like Jesus. The way the teachings went, Jesus was totally different from me in that he followed the will of God and knew exactly what to do in all situations while I don't even know God's will for me. The path was deny myself and follow Jesus' teachings, which is to say that I take a stand against myself and act only in ways sanctioned by the Church. In other words, I should become less of who I am so that I can become who I am not.

I am now observing myself in my life to learn more about who I am, what I like and dislike, what I enjoy doing, who I enjoy having as friends, and what impulses and creative ideas arise from within me. This process is akin to archeology; I research and explore my past to learn more about myself. As a consequence, I am getting more familiar with the difference between my programming and my authentic wants/needs. This comes in handy whenever I make choices or react to situations because I can sometimes recognize the programmed response as such, allowing my authentic response to come into play. Without some way of recognizing the programming and neutralizing it, I would live life as if I were the programming without ever knowing that I might have other ideas.

You see, if I go with the programming then I agree that I'm defective and untrustworthy. That means that I have to struggle to become a good person. Only by being a good person can I make it into the Kingdom of Heaven where people are happy and loving. So the point of my life is to struggle to become a good person because only in that way will I make it to Heaven. That makes life a battle between my desire to be good and my own human nature, and my psyche becomes the battleground.

An example of this process from my own life deals with self-expression and creativity. I always wanted to be creative in whatever field I chose but found that I was much better at following rules than breaking them. Being convinced that I must struggle to be like Jesus meant that I was constantly watching for and denying myself. I got so good at this that I no longer was aware that I was doing it. I had surpressed the fountain of inspiration in my attempts to control my evil nature. It stands to reason, then, that I would have difficulty with creative expression. I didn’t trust anything that came out of me and the Church agreed completely. When I was a child, no one asked me what I thought about Jesus’ crucifixion or his healing ministry. The nuns and priests told me what to think, what to believe, and what words to use when I prayed. I was so practiced in the art of ignoring my ideas, feelings, desires, and urges that I hardly knew that I had them. You think new ideas are going to emerge in that kind of climate? Rarely.

The story of Adam and Eve in Genesis contains a statement that describes my experience as a Catholic. When God expels Adam and Eve from Paradise, he tells them that they must earn their keep through the sweat of their brows. I have spent most of my life trying to be someone else, a Herculean task requiring the utmost attention and focus, so that I could earn my eternal keep. Now that I know that I can't be someone else, I have plenty of time to dwell on my divinity.